I don’t have good luck charms,
I have remember charms.
As in,
Remember you have to drink water.
Remember to feed yourself more than once a day.
Remember you’re valid.
Those kind of charms.
Remember you’re a person.
Remember you’re human.
Remember you can start again as many times as it takes to be happy.
Remember your whimsy.
Remember what you’ve created.
Remember when you were so happy you thought “Yeah I’d be my friend”.
Remember what Ev said?
Remember to fight your nightmares,
Remember logic when you’re lost,
Remember your therapist said this was fine.
Remember on your darkest nights your reality is just a twisted shadow of what sits there in the light.
Remember the voices lie.
Remember if you go Curtis goes too.
Remember the pin wheel isn’t spinning anymore.
Remember when your friend talked the life back into you?
Remember?
Remember you love that you love so much.
Remember your way to Dream.
Remember this is your house, you’re safe to make as many mistakes as you want in the comfort of your own company.
Remember how you learned to say no.
Remember you are worth all of your time.
I’m wearing so many charms that I ring when I walk.
I’m wearing so many charms that I sing when I talk.
There are whole discussions under my eyes,
Remember?
I wear my past,
My present,
And my future around my neck
In case I forget
To live where I am,
And not too much in my head.
But remember that’s where you get the best ideas.
So remember always one foot in the clouds.
Remember the spyglass you keep by your side, because little you wants to look too.
Remember little you is proud.
Remember you are who little you needs.
Remember you’re living for both of us.
– Essie Parker Walsh
Tag: lonely
Down The Unseen Roads.
Down the unseen roads I run,
When blushing sky and setting sun,
From under wave to The Land Undone,
Where long the iron bells have rung.
Down the unseen roads I run.
– Essie Parker Walsh
Masquerade.
How easy this darkening sky does bring
A torment old and deep.
Then all those weighted voices ring
Beside my head they do not sleep.
They adorn themselves in these treasured days
And wait in golden song.
Then suddenly and wounding say
That even here I don’t belong.
– Essie Parker Walsh
The Guilt Of Just Existing.
I believe in myself
When I believe I am loved.
Which is hardly ever.
I exist for other people
Never for myself.
I disappear when nobody is here.
I cease to exist.
Then I want to cease to exist.
It’s not real happiness
Unless someone allows me to have it.
Nobody is here now,
I’ve not earned it from anyone,
So I don’t deserve it.
This is fake
It doesn’t matter.
This happiness that I gave myself
It doesn’t matter.
I’m still living for you.
All of you.
Living for people to be happy with me.
Everybody
But not me.
Standards I don’t even know.
And never will.
The constant disappointment that I am.
Thank you for that.
Gift
You have bestowed upon me.
The guilt of just existing.
I’m living through what I perceive to be
Other people’s experiences of me.
Other people’s view of me.
Not mine.
I dare not perceive myself
In case it upsets anyone.
I don’t believe myself
When I tell myself I’m creative,
Or intelligent.
I don’t believe myself
When I tell myself I get to be happy.
It always feels like I stole it.
It’s wrong.
I do believe
I’m inconvenient.
I do believe
I’m not what you need right now.
I’m not your preferred mood.
I’m not your preferred ear.
I’m not rich and therefore not worthy.
I talk a lot.
Too much.
I’m too weird.
I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I’m still just a child.
I understand nothing.
I’m not smart like you want me to be.
I’m not strong like you hoped me to be.
I’m embarrassing.
I’m weird.
Just hide me away,
Or put me on show,
I’ll make you laugh,
Not because I’m funny
But because… I’m funny.
I’m weird.
I’ve tried so hard
To believe in myself.
But it’s so difficult
Fighting through
All those things
You said to my face
Over and over.
I’ve done the work,
I’ve pulled myself through.
But now
I’m not enough
Of what you wanted from me.
I’m too much
Of what I’m growing into
Because of the therapy
You sent me to,
And you hate it
Because you’re stuck
On that other version of me.
The one that still holds
The hope for your own future.
The extension of you.
The one who’d drop everything.
The easy one you could hide.
Lie to.
Laugh at.
And forget for a while.
And I still feel guilty about
Upsetting you.
I feel selfish
For simply trying to make myself comfortable
In waking up.
Your discomfort in my happiness
Drowns me
Every time.
You trained me so well
To be small.
I am tired of
Upsetting you either way.
Feeling guilty either way.
Why should I
Be shamed into hating myself,
Just for being different?
For daring to have ideas.
That’s your voice in there.
Not mine.
Existing outside of anything
You tried to force me into
Was such a fucking embarrassment to you.
Why should I shrink myself down,
And be palatable
For you?
I’m so uncomfortably
Contorted
Reaching for your version of me.
I don’t want to
Wait for you
To tell me
Yes.
I get to paint.
I get to write.
I get to just
Express myself.
I know what I’m fucking talking about.
I would like to dismiss
This fear of me being myself
That you induce,
And lean in to myself.
I would like to
Exist in moments of happiness
I have given myself.
I would like to believe in myself
So fiercely,
That your rejection
Actually does mean nothing.
And I don’t hold onto it
As if that were the key
To your acceptance of me.
When really
If I chased your idea of me,
I would only reject myself more.
– Essie Parker Walsh
Yggdrasil.
My friend,
Transcend
Above the blades
In the shadow
Of the old
Ash Tree.
Set thine eyes
On distant skies,
And watch them
Fall away.
– Essie Parker Walsh
To Vala’a Noct.
I look into the void
Screaming
Daring it to eat me whole.
Trembling at the possibility
That it might just.
– Essie Parker Walsh
When I Say I Am Lonely.
I finally understand that
When I say I am lonely,
I mean that I feel distant
From the part of myself
That keeps me breathing,
And I am scared.
There’s not enough
Me
In me.
The outside is getting in,
I feel it’s weight in my arms.
My smile falls like lead
And takes me down with it.
I’ve lost myself again.
– Essie Parker Walsh
Essie P.W 